and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
