Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
