All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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