...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
