Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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