The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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