I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I looked at my own cervix.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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