the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
