Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
