how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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