Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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