Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
