you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
