I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
