It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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