omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
