I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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