I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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