i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He passed out mid-signature
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
