Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
