he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
