one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
