Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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