I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We left an ass print on the piano.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
