Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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