he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
