Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
