chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
