You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
