think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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