i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
