btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
