After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
