You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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