Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
