Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
