I'm jealous of your bromance
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
