Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
