Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
