I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
