I queefed so loud it echoed.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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