there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
