I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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