I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
