Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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