Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
