If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize