life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
