I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
