we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
