Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
