Umm I'm too high to move.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
